Dear Lucy

Hey Lulu,

So, it’s been two years. Just thinking about the time breaks my heart a little. Okay, let’s be real – it breaks my heart a lot. I mean, two years ago today, it was hard to imagine time continuing at all, let alone two years worth of it, but… Here we are.

But you know, the funny thing about time is that, it really doesn’t make some things easier. It doesn’t make some things hurt any less. Time doesn’t behave as a permanent solution; stitches to the wound. No… Time is nothing more than one of those shitty fabric Band-aids that refuses to stay on in the shower. The little fuckers keep falling off, and I just keep buying more. Maybe one day I’ll remember to pick up the waterproof kind, or maybe I like that it still hurts – some days, a little; other days, a lot. Maybe I like that I always have that nagging reminder of what, who I lost.

My four-legged soulmate.

My Lucy Tucy.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday.

Wait, no, I remember everything leading up to that day. The day I got you. The days you slept in a laundry basket because you were too small to be left on your own. The days you’d get hyper as fuck because I was listening to Hanson. The day you managed to get into the crawlspace. The days I didn’t put you first, and the days I spent regretting it. The days you were there when nobody else was. The days we’d dance together, and the days we’d do nothing but play WoW. The days I was sick and you were there, the days I felt great and you were there, and the days when I couldn’t get myself out of my own head…and you were there.

The day you weren’t yourself.
The day I lived with you in the bathroom, singing to you and telling you the story of us.
And then, the day we said goodbye, and those blessed few moments when I first woke up, and I almost believed everything was okay.

God, Lu, that first year was hell. You don’t even know, or hey, maybe you do, but I’m telling you anyway. It was horrible, that first year. I questioned everything. I drove myself insane. All those miserable nights, all those fake-smile days. Thank God for Keegan, right? Thank God for Ethel, right? Thank God for everything that managed to keep me afloat, right?

This past year was a little different. This past year was a little more about living, wasn’t it? I mean, a lot has changed. Karen had another baby, Ethel’s become a really good friend, and I am obscenely obsessed with Outlander. And that book I was always writing? It’s done, it’s out. That other book? That draft is done, it’s ready to be finished. All those short stories I was writing? They’re on their way. I’m living one of those dreams I always wished you’d be there for, but… I guess you still are. I just wish I could feel you at night.

Anyway, my baby butt, I just wanted to say hi. I wanted to let you know that this day still sucks, will always suck, and I’m thinking about you. I’m always thinking about you. I hope I never stop hearing you, seeing you out of the corner of my eye, and I hope I never stop slipping your name into songs.

I’ll see you later, Lucy. I miss you.

I love you.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.

-Dave Matthews Band, “Baby Blue”

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