In just a few days, I’ll be announcing the release date for my book. My debut novel. The story I’ve poured everything into. The project that has been swarming my brain for years.
The truth is, I am more proud of this than anything I’ve ever done.
The truth is, I am absolutely terrified of putting it out there.
It’s a scary thing…putting yourself out there. I’ve done it here. I’ve posted a short story, I’ve posted the first couple of chapters, I’ve posted excerpts and entries and reviews. I’ve done it, and I’ve received praise, and it’s been wonderful. But that’s been on a smaller scale. I haven’t SELF-PUBLISHED these things. I haven’t ASKED FOR MONEY for these things. I haven’t put myself into such a place of arrogance to say, “HEY, I deserve your hard-earned money – BUY MY BOOK,” with these things.
Sometimes I think, what makes me think I’m deserving of that? And then I think, this is my dream. Aren’t I entitled to try and achieve that dream? Aren’t I entitled…no… Don’t I owe it to these characters – these people I’ve created and love – to put them out there and allow others to fall in love with them as well?
The truth is, I am in love with them in a way that should be considered insane.
The truth is, I am so scared of others not loving them as much.
Reviews, guys. Reviews are scary. I mean, okay, on one hand… It doesn’t seem all that difficult to get a handful of five star reviews, because let’s be honest, a lot of people don’t have very high standards. This isn’t a criticism, because I’m in some ways similar. I will read whatever. I will enjoy whatever. I will sit and smile and tear up at whatever.
But when I hate something, I REALLY hate it. I cherish writing those particular reviews, because I imagine that it helps the author grow in a way that I would want someone to help ME grow. In some ways, I’m looking forward to these reviews. I’m looking forward to getting that handful of passionate people who will pull me and my characters apart, put us under a microscope, and tell me everything I could have done differently – everything I could have done BETTER.
But I also imagine that those reviews, too many of them, can hurt. Too many of them can ruin me. Too many of them can destroy the dream and keep me from reaching the places I want to reach.
The truth is, I’ve never wanted so badly.
The truth is, I’m scared shitless that I’ll never have it.